She lies there,
in the dark,
cold and lonely,
the feeling of regret,
in the pit of her stomach.
She can't speak.
She can't move.
All she can do
is replay what just happened,
in her mind,
over and over again.
She feels nothing,
but the overpowering regret,
as she starts to cry.
Tears stream down her face.
She remembers.
It's cold.
You're not there.
You've gone and left her,
all alone.
Abandoned.
She knows you won't come back.
Naked.
Cold.
Alone.
She knows it shouldn't be this way.
She knows it should have meant something.
She knows you're a liar.
She trembles.
She remembers,
your words.
Oh - how stupid she was to believe them.
She remembers,
your hands.
Rough and passionless,
as you touched her -
touched her in places,
she didn't really want to be touched.
She cries.
She realizes,
it's all her fault,
for believing you cared,
for believing it could mean something.
Meaningless, is what it was.
Guilt and regret, is all she feels.
She remembers.
She trembles.
She cries.
Now,
it's nothing.
Nothing but,
a regret.
Monday, February 28, 2011
An Update
Well, I know I haven't posted anything in a while. I've been SUPER busy with some family issues that have been completely beyond my control. I was away from my computer most of this weekend because of it. Although my life has been chaotic with one bad thing after another happening, I have still had time to write. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about a lot of things and I've written (and half written) some things pertaining to those thoughts. So, don't worry, there will be stuff coming for you to read. I might even post something I have finished for you to read after you read this. :)
Also, I've been having the weirdest dreams lately, which isn't a new thing for me. I never dream about anything good. It's always crazy, depressing, or weird. I thought, maybe if I go to bed and tell myself to dream about something good, I would dream about something good, but no luck with that, of course. This past week I've dream't about people trying to kill me, spiders, losing friends, some past memories, people I really don't want to be dreaming about, and God only knows what else. So, hopefully, I'll go to bed tonight and dream about nothing, or something good! Wish me luck with that one.
Also, I would really like it if my luck would start turning around. It seems like these days something just has to go wrong once something else gets better. I won't go into detail about what's been going on because most of it is family related, but something has got to give!
I've been missing my friends a lot lately too, but they have all been really shady. (With the exception of a few.) I haven't talked to most of the people I consider my "best" friends in months, but it feels like forever! What gets me though is that I am always trying to contact these people or I'm always saving up the funds to go and see these people, yet they can't do the same for me. What the hell is up with that? I mean, with Facebook, Myspace, email, text messaging, and cell phones, you would think they would have some way of getting in contact with me. Maybe they're just not "up-to-date" on these "new" technologies, or at least that can be their lousy excuse. It just really pisses me off.
Anyway, I guess I've pretty much just been ranting off about nothing! I just wanted to let you guys know that I will be posting some things I've written in the past week, so you'll definitely have some new stuff to read! :)
-Lisa Marie<3
Also, I've been having the weirdest dreams lately, which isn't a new thing for me. I never dream about anything good. It's always crazy, depressing, or weird. I thought, maybe if I go to bed and tell myself to dream about something good, I would dream about something good, but no luck with that, of course. This past week I've dream't about people trying to kill me, spiders, losing friends, some past memories, people I really don't want to be dreaming about, and God only knows what else. So, hopefully, I'll go to bed tonight and dream about nothing, or something good! Wish me luck with that one.
Also, I would really like it if my luck would start turning around. It seems like these days something just has to go wrong once something else gets better. I won't go into detail about what's been going on because most of it is family related, but something has got to give!
I've been missing my friends a lot lately too, but they have all been really shady. (With the exception of a few.) I haven't talked to most of the people I consider my "best" friends in months, but it feels like forever! What gets me though is that I am always trying to contact these people or I'm always saving up the funds to go and see these people, yet they can't do the same for me. What the hell is up with that? I mean, with Facebook, Myspace, email, text messaging, and cell phones, you would think they would have some way of getting in contact with me. Maybe they're just not "up-to-date" on these "new" technologies, or at least that can be their lousy excuse. It just really pisses me off.
Anyway, I guess I've pretty much just been ranting off about nothing! I just wanted to let you guys know that I will be posting some things I've written in the past week, so you'll definitely have some new stuff to read! :)
-Lisa Marie<3
Friday, February 18, 2011
One Simple Cut
All these thoughts
Racing through my head
Are killing me inside.
I don't know what to do,
Or how to feel.
I can't move.
I can't breathe.
My face is soaked
With heartache,
And the tears won't stop.
I clutch the steering wheel
So hard my hands go numb.
I know I should drive,
But it's hard to see
Past the horrible thoughts
Rushing through my brain;
Rushing through my heart.
I scream
Because I want someone to hear,
But no one is there.
Only a deafening silence.
Why?
Why me?
What have I done,
To deserve so much hurt,
And so much pain?
I pick up the blade,
Laying in the seat beside me.
I put it to my warm, pale skin.
Fresh blood appears,
Numbing all the pain.
Numbing all the sorrow.
Numbing all the hurt.
For a moment,
I forget that I'm broken,
as I watch the blood
Slowly drip down my arm.
For a moment,
I feel content.
I feel content with the numbness.
And everything goes away.
And nothing matters,
As I lay back the seat
And drift off to sleep.
Temporarily,
everything's better,
with one, simple, cut.
Racing through my head
Are killing me inside.
I don't know what to do,
Or how to feel.
I can't move.
I can't breathe.
My face is soaked
With heartache,
And the tears won't stop.
I clutch the steering wheel
So hard my hands go numb.
I know I should drive,
But it's hard to see
Past the horrible thoughts
Rushing through my brain;
Rushing through my heart.
I scream
Because I want someone to hear,
But no one is there.
Only a deafening silence.
Why?
Why me?
What have I done,
To deserve so much hurt,
And so much pain?
I pick up the blade,
Laying in the seat beside me.
I put it to my warm, pale skin.
Fresh blood appears,
Numbing all the pain.
Numbing all the sorrow.
Numbing all the hurt.
For a moment,
I forget that I'm broken,
as I watch the blood
Slowly drip down my arm.
For a moment,
I feel content.
I feel content with the numbness.
And everything goes away.
And nothing matters,
As I lay back the seat
And drift off to sleep.
Temporarily,
everything's better,
with one, simple, cut.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Words
You have a way with words.
Words that make me feel good inside.
Words that send chills down my spine.
Words that cover up how you really feel;
what you really want.
Simple words I believe,
when I know I should not.
With every word spoken,
I feel regret.
Regret for what I'm allowing you to do.
Allowing you to fill me up with you false promising words of love and affection.
You catch me when I'm down and broken.
Building me back up with your phony "I love you's"
Taking advantage of me with your misleading words.
But that's just it.
They're just words.
Words that mean nothing and something,
all at the same time.
Words that I so foolishly believed.
Only to be left feeling ashamed and regretful,
instead of loved and wanted.
Who is to blame here?
Me?
You?
I blame myself for your words.
For my willingness to fill a void.
A void I so eagerly want to get rid of.
And that's all on me.
Not you.
Words that make me feel good inside.
Words that send chills down my spine.
Words that cover up how you really feel;
what you really want.
Simple words I believe,
when I know I should not.
With every word spoken,
I feel regret.
Regret for what I'm allowing you to do.
Allowing you to fill me up with you false promising words of love and affection.
You catch me when I'm down and broken.
Building me back up with your phony "I love you's"
Taking advantage of me with your misleading words.
But that's just it.
They're just words.
Words that mean nothing and something,
all at the same time.
Words that I so foolishly believed.
Only to be left feeling ashamed and regretful,
instead of loved and wanted.
Who is to blame here?
Me?
You?
I blame myself for your words.
For my willingness to fill a void.
A void I so eagerly want to get rid of.
And that's all on me.
Not you.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Valentines Day
Well, today is Valentines Day (in case you didn't already know). It's a day that I, personally, dread every year. In my opinion, it's pointless and overrated. It's another holiday that someone made up just to get money out of people, and it's always blown out of proportion (just like every other holiday in the US). You may be thinking, I'm only saying Valentines Day is stupid because I don't have a Valentine. Well, you're sadly mistaken. Even if I had someone to share Valentines Day with, I would still feel the same about it.
Today is the day where people will spend loads of money on their significant other to show them just how much they "love" them. It's sad that people are shown love by how much you spend or how extravagant the gift is. Don't get me wrong, it's nice to have someone send you roses or give you a sweet card or whatever, but honestly on Valentines Day you know it's coming. I'd rather be spontaneously given roses on a regular, normal, non-holiday, day. Plus, Wal-Mart is getting more money than they can count for this holiday, and I don't particularly like Wal-Mart, and I have good reason. I used to work there. I mean, yes, it may be good for the economy or whatever because people are spending so much money, but I just think it's ridiculous.
It's also a day where many people get their feelings hurt. Especially if you're in high school or middle school. Schools always do these Valentines sales where you buy a balloon, or a rose, or a card for someone you want to be your Valentine. Then on Valentines Day people go from class to class handing the Valentines out to the people who received one. That's always a disaster because as these gift givers are handing out these gifts you're wondering to yourself if you got one. You secretly wish someone did give you one and when your name isn't called to receive a Valentine, you're upset and you feel stupid. With all these other people getting Valentines (and sometimes more than one) you feel left out, and that's no way to feel. I'll admit, every year in high school, I bought myself a Valentine just to make myself feel better, and that's just pathetic. If there were no Valentines Day, people wouldn't have to feel that way.
Anyway, I know I'm probably boring you with my rant on this oh-so-special day, so I'll leave you with a poem you can laugh at. :)
Today is the day where people will spend loads of money on their significant other to show them just how much they "love" them. It's sad that people are shown love by how much you spend or how extravagant the gift is. Don't get me wrong, it's nice to have someone send you roses or give you a sweet card or whatever, but honestly on Valentines Day you know it's coming. I'd rather be spontaneously given roses on a regular, normal, non-holiday, day. Plus, Wal-Mart is getting more money than they can count for this holiday, and I don't particularly like Wal-Mart, and I have good reason. I used to work there. I mean, yes, it may be good for the economy or whatever because people are spending so much money, but I just think it's ridiculous.
It's also a day where many people get their feelings hurt. Especially if you're in high school or middle school. Schools always do these Valentines sales where you buy a balloon, or a rose, or a card for someone you want to be your Valentine. Then on Valentines Day people go from class to class handing the Valentines out to the people who received one. That's always a disaster because as these gift givers are handing out these gifts you're wondering to yourself if you got one. You secretly wish someone did give you one and when your name isn't called to receive a Valentine, you're upset and you feel stupid. With all these other people getting Valentines (and sometimes more than one) you feel left out, and that's no way to feel. I'll admit, every year in high school, I bought myself a Valentine just to make myself feel better, and that's just pathetic. If there were no Valentines Day, people wouldn't have to feel that way.
Anyway, I know I'm probably boring you with my rant on this oh-so-special day, so I'll leave you with a poem you can laugh at. :)
Anti-Valentines Day Poem
Hearts, and roses, and kisses galore,
What the hell is all that shit for?
People get mushy and start acting queer,
It's definitely the most annoying day of the year.
This day needs to get the hell over with and pass,
Before I shove something up Cupid's ass.
I'll spend the day so drunk I can't speak,
And wear all black for the rest if the week.
Guys act all sweet, but soon it will fade,
For all they are doing is trying to get laid.
The arrow Cupid shot at me must not have hit,
Because I think this "love" thing is a complete crock of shit.
So here's my story, what else can I say?
Love bites my ass, so fuck Valentines Day!
(By the way, I didn't write this. I have no idea who did.)
Pain
PAIN
It’s what you are doing to me-the way you make me feel.
When you say my name it makes me tremble.
Whenever someone speaks your name my heart skips a beat.
When you smile it takes my breath away.
You take my breath away.
I smile for no reason, just because I am thinking of you.
You and those beautiful blue-gray eyes that send chills up my spine when you look at me.
I know I am in love, but it’s more than that.
It’s me.
It’s you.
It’s us.
It’s everything that we could be together.
What’s happening to me now hurts.
I try and hold myself together.
I feel like I am breaking; like this isn’t my life.
I hold onto you and you break my heart with your silence.
But my wounds are self-inflicted.
It’s me that won’t let go.
I can’t get over you.
I just can’t do it.
My life would be empty without you.
I would have no reason to be a better person, no reason to smile, to laugh, to love.
So I hold onto the pain because it’s all I have left from you.
You carry my heart and I carry this pain.
This breath-taking, heart-breaking pain.
It’s what you are doing to me-the way you make me feel.
When you say my name it makes me tremble.
Whenever someone speaks your name my heart skips a beat.
When you smile it takes my breath away.
You take my breath away.
I smile for no reason, just because I am thinking of you.
You and those beautiful blue-gray eyes that send chills up my spine when you look at me.
I know I am in love, but it’s more than that.
It’s me.
It’s you.
It’s us.
It’s everything that we could be together.
What’s happening to me now hurts.
I try and hold myself together.
I feel like I am breaking; like this isn’t my life.
I hold onto you and you break my heart with your silence.
But my wounds are self-inflicted.
It’s me that won’t let go.
I can’t get over you.
I just can’t do it.
My life would be empty without you.
I would have no reason to be a better person, no reason to smile, to laugh, to love.
So I hold onto the pain because it’s all I have left from you.
You carry my heart and I carry this pain.
This breath-taking, heart-breaking pain.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Untitled
I'm trying to finish a poem that I've been working on for days now. I just can't seem to finish it like I want to. I've got all the thoughts written out on paper. I just can't seem to fit them together right. Maybe it's because I'm too over-critical about myself. I have to have things just right. I'm sure it's just fine the way it is, but anyway, it's not done. So, I didn't want to leave you with nothing to read. I mean, I've had the same stuff up for a while now with nothing new, so I decided I would share a poem I wrote a while ago with you.
Now, this poem is very personal. Not many people have read it, and not many people have known that I have even felt this way about myself. I wrote it when I was going through some really rough times with my family and in my own personal life. I was feeling very down on myself and depressed. I was feeling pretty much every awful emotion anyone could possibly feel all at the same time. Anyway, here it is.
I hate myself.
I hate myself for feeling this way.
For feeling worthless.
For feeling insecure.
For feeling like I don't matter.
I look in the mirror,
You see someone beautiful.
I see someone ugly.
You see someone amazing.
I see someone worthless.
You see so many good things
That I cannot see.
What's wrong with me?
Why can't I do this?
Why do I feel this way?
Why do I feel so unworthy?
Why do I feel so much hurt,
so much pain?
I can't do this anymore,
This cruel thing called life.
I just want to give up.
Give up on everything.
Give up on happiness.
Give up on love.
Give up on being okay.
I just want to be okay.
I just want someone to care.
I just want someone to know
Where I'm coming from,
What I'm going through.
But don't worry about me.
You eventually become numb to the pain,
Until you can't feel anything.
I'll be fine,
Once I feel I'm worth something,
Once I feel I'm myself again.
The beautiful, wonderful, amazing person that you see,
When you look at me.
Now, this poem is very personal. Not many people have read it, and not many people have known that I have even felt this way about myself. I wrote it when I was going through some really rough times with my family and in my own personal life. I was feeling very down on myself and depressed. I was feeling pretty much every awful emotion anyone could possibly feel all at the same time. Anyway, here it is.
I hate myself.
I hate myself for feeling this way.
For feeling worthless.
For feeling insecure.
For feeling like I don't matter.
I look in the mirror,
You see someone beautiful.
I see someone ugly.
You see someone amazing.
I see someone worthless.
You see so many good things
That I cannot see.
What's wrong with me?
Why can't I do this?
Why do I feel this way?
Why do I feel so unworthy?
Why do I feel so much hurt,
so much pain?
I can't do this anymore,
This cruel thing called life.
I just want to give up.
Give up on everything.
Give up on happiness.
Give up on love.
Give up on being okay.
I just want to be okay.
I just want someone to care.
I just want someone to know
Where I'm coming from,
What I'm going through.
But don't worry about me.
You eventually become numb to the pain,
Until you can't feel anything.
I'll be fine,
Once I feel I'm worth something,
Once I feel I'm myself again.
The beautiful, wonderful, amazing person that you see,
When you look at me.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
I was going through some things tonight and I came across a song I wrote to God a long time ago. I read it and I honestly can't believe, being the person that I am today, I would have even written it. I've gotten so far away from God, when I used to be so close. I remember going to church and being able to actually feel something. Today, that's completely different. I feel as if I've lost faith, and I'm not saying that I think God isn't real and that I don't believe in him, because I do. I just need a reason to have faith in him again. Like I used to. I've been through so much hurt and so much pain in my life, and I've always prayed and prayed and prayed and nothing ever got better. Now I'm praying to Him to give me a reason. I'm waiting for something to happen. I'm waiting to be happy.
Here's the song:
Help me to see the things I cannot see.
Help me to feel the things I cannot feel.
Help me to become the person you want me to be.
Give me the strength to get through this day,
and help me to know that with you I'll be okay.
Dear Lord,
I give you my all.
I give you my everything.
Take this heart and make it new.
Heal the hurt and all the pain.
because I want to live for you
and only for you.
Give me the strength.
Give me the will.
Help me find myself because,
I need to be free from all this pain.
From all this hurt.
And I know you'll never leave me.
And I know you'll always love me.
Dear Lord,
I give you my all.
I give you my everything.
Take this heart and make it new.
Heal the hurt and all the pain.
Because I want to live for you.
And only for you.
Take my heart and fill it with your love.
I want to feel you wrap your arms around my heart.
I just want to feel your presence again.
I'll worship you with all that I am.
With all that I have.
Please, God, just make my life whole again.
Dear Lord,
I give you my all.
I give you my everything.
Take this heart and make it new.
Heal the hurt and all the pain.
Because I want to live for you,
and I need to live for you,
and only for you.
Here's the song:
Help me to see the things I cannot see.
Help me to feel the things I cannot feel.
Help me to become the person you want me to be.
Give me the strength to get through this day,
and help me to know that with you I'll be okay.
Dear Lord,
I give you my all.
I give you my everything.
Take this heart and make it new.
Heal the hurt and all the pain.
because I want to live for you
and only for you.
Give me the strength.
Give me the will.
Help me find myself because,
I need to be free from all this pain.
From all this hurt.
And I know you'll never leave me.
And I know you'll always love me.
Dear Lord,
I give you my all.
I give you my everything.
Take this heart and make it new.
Heal the hurt and all the pain.
Because I want to live for you.
And only for you.
Take my heart and fill it with your love.
I want to feel you wrap your arms around my heart.
I just want to feel your presence again.
I'll worship you with all that I am.
With all that I have.
Please, God, just make my life whole again.
Dear Lord,
I give you my all.
I give you my everything.
Take this heart and make it new.
Heal the hurt and all the pain.
Because I want to live for you,
and I need to live for you,
and only for you.
-Lisa Marie<3
Couldn't sleep tonight so, I decided to write.
So, I was sitting up watching a really awesome episode of Grey's Anatomy, in which I cried my eyes out because of. It was sweet, really. Then the mood to write something just struck me. And for some stupid and very odd reason, I started thinking about someone from a long time ago, and I had no idea why, really. So, I sat down with my pen and my paper and just started writing and this is what I came up with.
You ruined me.
Left me in agony.
Holding onto what was left of my innocence,
what was left of myself.
Abandoned, broken, and damaged
is how they find me.
Vulnerable.
Vulnerable to everything they say,
and to everything they do.
They touch.
They touch my shattered innocence
and mangle it even more,
with their false promises of love and affection.
Just. Like. You.
Loneliness is all I feel,
with an unbearable emptiness inside,
longing for something it can't have,
for something it can't find.
Pain is what you've caused.
It's a vicious, never-ending cycle.
Bending and breaking.
Bending and breaking.
Bending and breaking.
Until, finally, I'm nothing.
There's not a living thing left in me.
You took it, and it wasn't even yours to have in the first place.
It didn't take me long to write it. Which it never takes me long to write anything once my I start pouring my feelings out on paper. Anyway, I'd love to hear what you have to think about it. But for now, I'm going to finally go to bed. :)
-Lisa Marie<3
You ruined me.
Left me in agony.
Holding onto what was left of my innocence,
what was left of myself.
Abandoned, broken, and damaged
is how they find me.
Vulnerable.
Vulnerable to everything they say,
and to everything they do.
They touch.
They touch my shattered innocence
and mangle it even more,
with their false promises of love and affection.
Just. Like. You.
Loneliness is all I feel,
with an unbearable emptiness inside,
longing for something it can't have,
for something it can't find.
Pain is what you've caused.
It's a vicious, never-ending cycle.
Bending and breaking.
Bending and breaking.
Bending and breaking.
Until, finally, I'm nothing.
There's not a living thing left in me.
You took it, and it wasn't even yours to have in the first place.
It didn't take me long to write it. Which it never takes me long to write anything once my I start pouring my feelings out on paper. Anyway, I'd love to hear what you have to think about it. But for now, I'm going to finally go to bed. :)
-Lisa Marie<3
The Beginning of Something...
Wonderful? Amazing? Boring? Ridiculous? - Honestly, I have no idea.
I've decided I'm going to start this "blog," as it's called. I don't really like the word "blog." To me, this is more like a public journal, or diary, or whatever you want to call it. It's just something I want to do to get my feelings and thoughts and whatever else is going through this brain of mine out there, for the world to see and experience. I make it sound like it's going to be something wonderful and thrilling, right? Eh, probably not, but hey, who knows? I might surprise ya! :)
So, here we go. You are about to experience me and my random, silly, significant, insignificant, stupid, thoughtful, selfish, caring, emotion filled, and ridiculous thoughts that are crawling inside my head. (and whatever else I just so happen to want you to see.) Don't be scared. Trust me. You'll love it.
- Lisa Marie<3
I've decided I'm going to start this "blog," as it's called. I don't really like the word "blog." To me, this is more like a public journal, or diary, or whatever you want to call it. It's just something I want to do to get my feelings and thoughts and whatever else is going through this brain of mine out there, for the world to see and experience. I make it sound like it's going to be something wonderful and thrilling, right? Eh, probably not, but hey, who knows? I might surprise ya! :)
So, here we go. You are about to experience me and my random, silly, significant, insignificant, stupid, thoughtful, selfish, caring, emotion filled, and ridiculous thoughts that are crawling inside my head. (and whatever else I just so happen to want you to see.) Don't be scared. Trust me. You'll love it.
- Lisa Marie<3
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