Things I've Accomplished in 2011

-Find a job.
-Start school. (& don't give up this time around.)
-Make at least one new friend.
-Attend a Circa Survive concert.
-Attend Joey and Quay's graduation.
-Lose 25 pounds.
-Save up $$$ towards a Nikon D3100.
-Tell a certain person how I really feel.
-Attend at least one party.
-Get really really wasted at least once.
-Buy a cute bikini.
-Ride at least one roller coaster.
-Do karaoke.
-Grow my hair out.
-Excercise more.
-Road trip.
-Skinny dip.
-Dye my hair back blonde.
-Purchase a really cool bike.
-Remember how to ride that bike.
-Get another tattoo.
-Pierce my tongue again.
-Keep in touch with old friends.
-Learn piano. Or guitar. Or both.
-Wake up early.
-Go to sleep at a decent hour.
-Visit my granny. :)
-Travel to another state other than Florida or Georgia.
-Try a new food.
-Have really amazing sex.
-Find new places to go in Jacksonville.
-Go on a ghost tour.
-Call my brother more.
-Fly in a plane.
-Have the BEST 21st birthday, ever.
-Pay off some debt.
-Trust more easily.


So, 2011 is almost over and I accomplished a pretty decent amount of things on my list. Hoping 2012 will be a better year than 2011.

Major Update

So, I can't believe it's already October. The last time I posted was back in April, right before I started my job at Starbucks. These last 6 months have been crazy and not a l the best. Everything at work has been great. I really love my job and I'm hopefully going to be up for a promotion at the first of the year. I'm very excited about it. As for my personal life, not so great. I won't really go into details about that right now, but I plan on updating this blog constantly from now on.

Update!

-Find a job.
-Start school. (& don't give up this time around.)
-Make at least one new friend.
-Attend a Circa Survive concert.
-Attend Joey and Quay's graduation.
-Lose 25 pounds.
-Save up $$$ towards a Nikon D3100.
-Tell a certain person how I really feel.
-Attend at least one party.
-Get really really wasted at least once.
-Buy a cute bikini.
-Ride at least one roller coaster.
-Do karaoke.
-Grow my hair out.
-Excercise more.
-Road trip.
-Skinny dip.
-Dye my hair back blonde.
-Purchase a really cool bike.
-Remember how to ride that bike.
-Get another tattoo.
-Pierce my tongue again.
-Keep in touch with old friends.
-Learn piano. Or guitar. Or both.
-Wake up early.
-Go to sleep at a decent hour.
-Visit my granny. :)
-Travel to another state other than Florida or Georgia.
-Try a new food.
-Have really amazing sex.
-Find new places to go in Jacksonville.
-Go on a ghost tour.
-Call my brother more.
-Fly in a plane.
-Have the BEST 21st birthday, ever.
-Pay off some debt.
-Trust more easily.

His Late Night Call

It's three a.m.
I'm waking up
to the sound of his ringtone
ringing on my phone.
He called because he's drunk
and he needs a ride home.
But we both know
that's not all he wants.

It's that late night call again.
The one I just can't help but pick up.
I know what I'm getting myself into,
but I just can't seem to stop.
He's got the kinda hold on me
that's just too hard to give up.

His girlfriend isn't home.
He says "Trust me, she'll never know."
Oh, she'll never know.
That I'm the one...
Oh, that I'm the one lying
in their sheets with him each night.
Oh, she'll never know.
Because by morning,
I'm already long gone.

It's that late night call again.
The one I just can't help but pick up.
I know what I'm getting myself into,
but I just can't seem to stop.
He's got the kinda hold on me
that's just too hard to give up.

He says he's gonna leave her.
Everyday he tells me he's gonna leave her.
Only we both know he won't.
He's in love with her,
but I'm in love with him.
He'll never leave her.
I'll never leave him.
Oh, he'll never leave her,
and I'll never leave him.

It's that late night call again.
The one I just can't help but pick up.
I know what I'm getting myself into,
but I just can't seem to stop.
He's got the kinda hold on me
that's just too hard to give up.

It's his late night call again.
(And I'll never give him up.)
It's his late night call again
(And I'll never hang up.)
It's his late night call again.
(And he'll never give her up.)

Something New

I decided to start a livejournal. It's going to be completely different from this. This blog is going to just consist of my poems and various rants on different subjects. My livejournal is going to be more like a real journal. It's just going to be my unedited thoughts and random things going on in my life. I'm going to definitely try and keep up with both sites. More than likely the livejournal will be more of a daily thing than this will be. I'd love for you guys to read and keep up with both. :)

www.lisamarie2708.livejournal.com

Check it out!

-Lisa Marie<3

Come Back For Me

You left me here.
You left me here,
all alone,
in this dark and empty room.
I'm calling out for you,
longing for you to come back for me.

I thought it would be worth it.
(Oh - how I wish it would've been worth it.)
I thought you were worth taking a chance on.
I regret it.
I regret it because
now you're gone.
(Now you're gone.)
Long gone.

I just don't understand this.
I can't understand this.
Why did you have to go?
Why did you have to leave me?
You said I was you're everything.
You said I was "The one."
Now, I'm all alone.
All alone
in this terrifying world.
Without you.
Come back for me.

You left me here.

You left me here,
wanting to hear you say my name,
needing to hear you say "I love you,"
longing to have your arms wrapped around me,
and desperately waiting,
waiting for you.
Waiting for you to come back for me.

I can't seem to find...

I just can't seem to find
anyone that can even begin
to measure up to you.
I don't want to look anymore.
I'm done searching.
I just want YOU,
and only YOU.
Come back for me.

(You said)
You said you had to do this.
(You said)
You said you had to leave -
to find yourself.
(You said)
You said you needed to,
before we could ever be together.

I just don't understand this.
I can't understand this.
Why you would just leave me here.
Why you won't come back for me.

I found myself.
I found myself,
in you.
Without you,
I'm lost with no direction.
Come back.
Come back for me.
Come back for me, please.
Please.
Come back for me.

You left me here.
Why did you leave me here?
Come back for me.
Come back...

...before it's too late.

So, I finally wrote something.

I think before, the reason I wasn't able to write anything worth posting and sharing was because I was trying too hard. I was thinking about it too much. I wasn't just letting my emotions come out on their own. Of course you can't rush these things. I don't even know why I was trying to. I guess I just wanted to have something up here so bad, and I was feeling so down and pissed off, I couldn't seem to get past it. Anyways, I was listening to a bunch of William Fitzsimmons songs and my thoughts just came pouring out. 

By the way,  if you've never heard of William Fitzsimmons, you really need to check him out. He's amazing. 

So, I don't know if I'm considering what I wrote a poem or a song. I really think it could be a song. So that's what I'm going to call it. I'll post it in a separate blog post. I hope you like it. :)

-Lisa Marie<3

Brain Dead

I've probably written a hundred pages of complete shit tonight. I can't seem to finish anything even remotely good enough to post. Plus, I'm unbelievably pissed off as well. So, that's definitely not helping the situation. So, unless I happen to have an epiphany tonight and end up writing something absolutely amazing, I won't be posting anything for a while. Not like anyone cares anyway. No one seems to give a shit about anything here lately. Anyway, I'm starting to sound pathetic. Sorry.

-Lisa Marie

How Did We Get Here?

How did we get here?
I feel like I don't know you anymore.
Everything I once knew
has changed.


I don't understand.


All of a sudden, 
we're strangers.
Acquaintances.
How did we get here?


Who are you?
Where have you gone?
Why are you hiding?
We used to be so close.
Inseparable.
This distance
is unbearable.


I don't recognize you.
How did we get here?


Was it something I said?
Was it something I did?
Distant is what you've become.
You've pushed me away.


So far away...


That I don't think 
there's anything
that can save us.
We've lost it all.


And I've taken a pretty big fall,
that I know I can't
get up from
on my own.


I need you.
How did we get here?

Honesty: Something We All Need to Improve On

It's not you, it's me. You deserve better. You're too good for me. I'm just not ready for a relationship. How many of us have heard any of these lines before? Probably everyone. Hell, I know I definitely have. I have heard every possible break up line you could imagine, I'm sure. It's ridiculous and stupid. I mean, "its not you, it's me," really?! Why do people use that as an excuse when breaking up with someone, when, the truth is, it is you! If there wasn't something wrong with you, they wouldn't be ending it, now would they? We've all been on both sides of that situation. If you were the dumper, you knew the reason you were dumping them was because there was something about the person you didn't like, and if you were the dumpee you were prrobably thinking "Yeah, right!" I guess, what I'm trying to say here, is why can't we all just be a little honest once in a while?

Honesty. What does that word mean exactly? According to dictionary.com (Who needs an actual dictionary these days?!), it means, "truthfullness, sincerity, frankness." Simple enough. At least, you would think most people could understand it. No? Well, let me put it a little simplier for those of you out there who still don't understand. Tell the TRUTH! Even if it will hurt someone's feelings. If people would just stop being so deceitful and quit lying to one another, we would all be better off. Maybe we would all be able to trust more easily. I just don't understand why we feel we have to cover up things. Why we have to make it so hard on ourselves. It's harder to cover up the truth than it is to just tell it.

For example, I was dating this guy - we'll call him, Douche. Yeah, that suits him well. He broke up with me OVER A TEXT MESSAGE, telling me that he wasn't ready to be in a relationship and that he needed to work on himself before we could be together. He reassured me that it was only a temporary thing. That he could definitely see a "future" with me. Did Douche and I ever get back together? You guessed it! No, we didn't. Instead of being honest and telling me that he was getting back with his ex, he lied, making it seem as if he did care about me and as if he did want to be with me. Which, in the end made it worse on me. If he would have been up front with me and told me, the first time, the truth, then I would have been so much better off. Don't get me wrong, I would have been very hurt and upset, but I would have gotten over it so much faster. Instead, I wait months for us to get back together. I was still talking to him, thinking everything was going to be okay, and I'm totally surprised when I find out (from someone else, by the way) that's he's with his ex-girlfriend, who he said he was totally over! That hurt like hell. This could have all been avoided, by being honest.

I'm always honest with people. If I'm not into someone or I don't like something someone said, I'm honest, and say something about it. I don't see the point in lying or avoiding things that need to be said that may or may not hurt someone's feelings. You may be thinking "Well, isn't that kind of mean? Just telling people whatever you want, even if it hurts them?" No, it's not mean. You don't have to do it in a mean or hateful way. Just because you're being honest, doesn't mean you're being a hateful person. I mean, I'm not a hateful person at all! If you've met me, you know that I'm one of the nicest people ever and I don't like to hurt people's feelings or, for that matter, even confront anyone about anything, but I know when it has to be done. And I, more than most, know what it feels like to be lied to. People have done it to me my entire life, and it's very painful, expecially when you find things out from other people.

Lying only makes matters worse. It makes it hard to trust anyone. It makes it hard to rely on anyone but yourself. It sometimes can even make you doubt yourself. It can make you feel like you're not good enough. It hurts your self-esteem and confidence and most importantly, it ruins future relationships. You can't help but to feel as if the people in your future will do the same thing these past people have done. That's why you've got to have hope. Hope that someone will eventually come along and prove you wrong. Prove to you that people can be good and can be trusted. I know it's hard to allow yourself to even open up to anyone when people haven't been honest with you. Ever. If people would just be honest, things wouldn't be like that. If people we're just honest and straighforward, you could avoid so much hurt and so much pain and you would actually be able to trust people.

I don't even see how anyone can't not be honest. You would think the guilt would eat you up inside. I know it would me. Just think about all these things you have to cover up and hide. You have to tell lie on top of lie, and you almost always end up getting caught, making things worse for yourself, as the liar, and the person you lied to. It just doesn't make any sense! It could have all been avoided! Ya know, a lot of people these days like to "take the easy way out," but isn't the easier way, just telling the truth the first go around? I think, yes.

So, next time you tell someone a little bit less than the truth, think about how you have felt when people haven't been honest with you. Think about how hurt you would be if you were on the other end. Don't lie. Be honest. Even if you have to be blunt about it. Trust me, if you do, you and the other person will come out better in the end.

-Lisa Marie<3

Stop The Drama: A Short Rant

I absolutely CAN'T STAND IT when people try to start drama over facebook. Shit, I can't stand it when people try to start drama, period. You people need to seriously grow up and act your fucking ages. You're adults, not children, start acting like it! Do you really think that by posting stupid little pictures of someone's ex trashing them is going to make anything better? No, it's not. Think about how you would feel if someone did that shit to you. It's seriously hurtful for someone to see that. So, next time you want to go posting offensive pictures or statuses, think about how you would feel if it was directed towards you, and quit being a bitch. I mean, at least if you do have something to say, say it to that person's face. Don't be a pussy talking behind their back and all over the internet. It's not cool.


Okay, I'm done. :)

Update

Okay, so it's been a while since I've posted anything so I decided I would give a little update. (Even though I know hardly anyone ever reads this damn thing, so it's like talking to a brick wall or an empty room.) I've been really busy, so I really haven't had any time to post anything. Although, I have written a few things. I just don't think they're all that good. I can't seem to write anything...happy. Everything I write is so cynical and dark. I'm kind of tired of writing that kind of stuff. I need some new inspiration! Which, I think sometime soon I might actually get that. :) Not going to jump the gun though. Anyway, like I was saying, busy. I've been busy. There's so much stuff going on in my life. (When is there not?) Most of it, I don't want to deal with. Of course, I can't really say here what all is going on. Mainly family stuff, as usual. I've been busting my ass trying to find a job, but I still haven't gotten anything. It's so frustrating, but I pray that I obtain one soon. I've got to save some money. My mom's birthday was this past Friday. She turned 37, but if you ask her, she'll say she turned 29. She's so crazy. We didn't really do much to celebrate it. Got some dinner and that's about it. It was fun though. I always love spending time with my mom. Then Saturday and Sunday, I felt like complete shit. I don't know what came over me, but I got really sick, and laid in bed all weekend, which sucked. Now it's Monday night (Tuesday morning) and I'm sitting here typing this to you. You're welcome. Damn, I need to get more people reading this. I kinda feel like a loser.


Also, I've really been thinking about getting my photography out there. Like starting my own business. A lot of people tell me I have a real talent for it. I feel as if I do too. I really enjoy it. I've just got to get some more experience so that people (customers) will have something to go off of as to whether or not they want me to photograph them. I seriously want to do it though. I need some better equipment. For starters, a new camera. Anyway, I've just been thinking hard about it lately, and it's something that I've seriously got my mind set on. 


On another note,  I've been having ridiculously horrible dreams, again. I don't know why it's so hard for me to have a good dream every once in a while! I mean the shit gets old. I've been having the same dream almost every night the past several days. I've been dreaming that my friend (best friend? I don't know what we are anymore) dies, and in every dream he dies a different way. Horrible, right? On top of that, I never get to tell him goodbye or that I love him. Even worse. I don't understand my subconscious mind. It's like it's only there to torture me. I actually woke myself up crying. How ridiculous is that?  Anyway, enough about these dreams. They can suck it.


Question, is it pathetic if I cried during an episode of Wizards of Waverly Place? Be honest. If it is, then I guess I'm a pathetic little loser, because I definitely cried when I was watching it. It was so good though. This goes to show you how boring my life is. Seriously though, that show is awesome. If you don't watch it, you should. Just saying.


I know all I pretty much do in these little "updates" is ramble on about nothing, but what the hell? I don't have anything better to do, and if you're reading this, apparently you don't either. I will be posting something soon. I'm going to try and post something different, something happy, but if I can't write anything "happy" I'll just post something I've already written. I've just got to tweek one of those up a little bit. Well, I don't really have much else to say, so I guess I'm done with this. Feel free to comment this or anything I've written. :)


-Lisa Marie<3

Things To Accomplish in 2011

I decided I would make a list of all the things I really want to accomplish/do in 2011. I know I've got more to add to it, but this is what I've got so far. :) Oh - and I'll be checking them off the list as I accomplish each one. :)





-Find a job.
-Start school. (& don't give up this time around.)
-Make at least one new friend.
-Attend a Circa Survive concert.
-Attend Joey and Quay's graduation.
-Lose 25 pounds.
-Save up $$$ towards a Nikon D3100.
-Tell a certain person how I really feel.
-Attend at least one party.
-Get really really wasted at least once.
-Buy a cute bikini.
-Ride at least one roller coaster.
-Do karaoke.
-Grow my hair out.
-Excercise more.
-Road trip.
-Skinny dip.
-Dye my hair back blonde.
-Purchase a really cool bike.
-Remember how to ride that bike.
-Get another tattoo.
-Pierce my tongue again.
-Keep in touch with old friends.
-Learn piano. Or guitar. Or both.
-Wake up early.
-Go to sleep at a decent hour.
-Visit my granny. :)
-Travel to another state other than Florida or Georgia.
-Try a new food.
-Have really amazing sex.
-Find new places to go in Jacksonville.
-Go on a ghost tour.
-Call my brother more.
-Fly in a plane.
-Have the BEST 21st birthday, ever.
-Pay off some debt.
-Trust more easily.

Best Friend

Best friend, 
Why have you,
disappeared from my life?
Don't you know,  
that I need you?


Oh, best friend,
Don't you know, 
that I miss you?
I sit here and wonder, 
Do you miss me too?


Best friend, 
What did I do, 
to lose you?
Because you're no longer here.
All I can see,
is your slowly disappearing ghost.
Where have you gone?


Oh, best friend,
Don't you know,
that I love you?
I sit here and wonder,
Do you love me too?
Best friend.

A Regret

She lies there, 
in the dark, 
cold and lonely,
the feeling of regret, 
in the pit of her stomach.
She can't speak.
She can't move.
All she can do
is replay what just happened, 
in her mind, 
over and over again.
She feels nothing,
but the overpowering regret,
as she starts to cry.
Tears stream down her face.
She remembers.


It's cold.
You're not there.
You've gone and left her, 
all alone.
Abandoned.
She knows you won't come back.
Naked.
Cold.
Alone.
She knows it shouldn't be this way.
She knows it should have meant something.
She knows you're a liar.
She trembles.


She remembers,
your words.
Oh - how stupid she was to believe them.
She remembers,
your hands.
Rough and passionless, 
as you touched her -
touched her in places, 
she didn't really want to be touched.
She cries.


She realizes,
it's all her fault,
for believing you cared, 
for believing it could mean something.
Meaningless, is what it was.
Guilt and regret, is all she feels.
She remembers.
She trembles.
She cries.


Now,
it's nothing.
Nothing but,
a regret.

An Update

Well, I know I haven't posted anything in a while. I've been SUPER busy with some family issues that have been completely beyond my control. I was away from my computer most of this weekend because of it. Although my life has been chaotic with one bad thing after another happening, I have still had time to write. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about a lot of things and I've written (and half written) some things pertaining to those thoughts. So, don't worry, there will be stuff coming for you to read. I might even post something I have finished for you to read after you read this. :)


Also, I've been having the weirdest dreams lately, which isn't a new thing for me. I never dream about anything good. It's always crazy, depressing, or weird. I thought, maybe if I go to bed and tell myself to dream about something good, I would dream about something good, but no luck with that, of course. This past week I've dream't about people trying to kill me, spiders, losing friends, some past memories, people I really don't want to be dreaming about, and God only knows what else. So, hopefully, I'll go to bed tonight and dream about nothing, or something good! Wish me luck with that one.


Also, I would really like it if my luck would start turning around. It seems like these days something just has to go wrong once something else gets better. I won't go into detail about what's been going on because most of it is family related, but something has got to give! 


I've been missing my friends a lot lately too, but they have all been really shady. (With the exception of a few.) I haven't talked to most of the people I consider my "best" friends in months, but it feels like forever! What gets me though is that I am always trying to contact these people or I'm always saving up the funds to go and see these people, yet they can't do the same for me. What the hell is up with that? I mean, with Facebook, Myspace, email, text messaging, and cell phones, you would think they would have some way of getting in contact with me. Maybe they're just not "up-to-date" on these "new" technologies, or at least that can be their lousy excuse. It just really pisses me off.


Anyway, I guess I've pretty much just been ranting off about nothing! I just wanted to let you guys know that I will be posting some things I've written in the past week, so you'll definitely have some new stuff to read! :)


-Lisa Marie<3

One Simple Cut

All these thoughts
Racing through my head
Are killing me inside.
I don't know what to do,
Or how to feel.


I can't move.
I can't breathe.
My face is soaked
With heartache,
And the tears won't stop.


I clutch the steering wheel
So hard my hands go numb.
I know I should drive, 
But it's hard to see
Past the horrible thoughts
Rushing through my brain;
Rushing through my heart.


I scream
Because I want someone to hear, 
But no one is there.
Only a deafening silence.


Why?
Why me?
What  have I done,
To deserve so much hurt, 
And so much pain?


I pick up the blade, 
Laying in the seat beside me.
I put it to my warm, pale skin.
Fresh blood appears, 
Numbing all the pain.
Numbing all the sorrow.
Numbing all the hurt.


For a moment, 
I forget that I'm broken, 
as I watch the blood
Slowly drip down my arm.


For a moment, 
I feel content.
I feel content with the numbness.
And everything goes away.
And nothing matters, 
As I lay back the seat
And drift off to sleep.


Temporarily, 
everything's better, 
with one, simple, cut.

Words

You have a way with words.
Words that make me feel good inside.
Words that send chills down my spine.
Words that cover up how you really feel;
what you really want.
Simple words I believe, 
when I know I should not.


With every word spoken, 
I feel regret.
Regret for what I'm allowing you to do.
Allowing you to fill me up with you false promising words of love and affection.


You catch me when I'm down and broken.
Building me back up with your phony "I love you's"
Taking advantage of me with your misleading words.


But that's just it.
They're just words.
Words that mean nothing and something, 
all at the same time.
Words that I so foolishly believed.
Only to be left feeling ashamed and regretful, 
instead of loved and wanted.


Who is to blame here?
Me?
You?
I blame myself for your words.
For my willingness to fill a void.
A void I so eagerly want to get rid of.
And that's all on me.
Not you.

Valentines Day

Well, today is Valentines Day (in case you didn't already know). It's a day that I, personally, dread every year. In my opinion, it's pointless and overrated. It's another holiday that someone made up just to get money out of people, and it's always blown out of proportion (just like every other holiday in the US). You may be thinking, I'm only saying Valentines Day is stupid because I don't have a Valentine. Well, you're sadly mistaken. Even if I had someone to share Valentines Day with, I would still feel the same about it.

Today is the day where people will spend loads of money on their significant other to show them just how much they "love" them. It's sad that people are shown love by how much you spend or how extravagant the gift is. Don't get me wrong, it's nice to have someone send you roses or give you a sweet card or whatever, but honestly on Valentines Day you know it's coming. I'd rather be spontaneously given roses on a regular, normal, non-holiday, day. Plus, Wal-Mart is getting more money than they can count for this holiday, and I don't particularly like Wal-Mart, and I have good reason. I used to work there. I mean, yes, it may be good for the economy or whatever because people are spending so much money, but I just think it's ridiculous.

It's also a day where many people get their feelings hurt. Especially if you're in high school or middle school. Schools always do these Valentines sales where you buy a balloon, or a rose, or a card for someone you want to be your Valentine. Then on Valentines Day people go from class to class handing the Valentines out to the people who received one. That's always a disaster because as these gift givers are handing out these gifts you're wondering to yourself if you got one. You secretly wish someone did give you one and when your name isn't called to receive a Valentine, you're upset and you feel stupid. With all these other people getting Valentines (and sometimes more than one) you feel left out, and that's no way to feel. I'll admit, every year in high school, I bought myself a Valentine just to make myself feel better, and that's just pathetic. If there were no Valentines Day, people wouldn't have to feel that way.

Anyway, I know I'm probably boring you with my rant on this oh-so-special day, so I'll leave you with a poem you can laugh at. :)

Anti-Valentines Day Poem

Hearts, and roses, and kisses galore, 

What the hell is all that shit for?

People get mushy and start acting queer, 

It's definitely the most annoying day of the year.

This day needs to get the hell over with and pass, 

Before I shove something up Cupid's ass.

I'll spend the day so drunk I can't speak,

And wear all black for the rest if the week.

Guys act all sweet, but soon it will fade, 

For all they are doing is trying to get laid.

The arrow Cupid shot at me  must not have hit, 

Because I think this "love" thing is a complete crock of shit.

So here's my story, what else can I say?

Love bites my ass, so fuck Valentines Day!

(By the way, I didn't write this. I have no idea who did.)

Pain

PAIN


It’s what you are doing to me-the way you make me feel.
When you say my name it makes me tremble.
Whenever someone speaks your name my heart skips a beat.
When you smile it takes my breath away.
You take my breath away.


I smile for no reason, just because I am thinking of you.
You and those beautiful blue-gray eyes that send chills up my spine when you look at me.
I know I am in love, but it’s more than that.


It’s me.
It’s you.
It’s us.
It’s everything that we could be together.


What’s happening to me now hurts.
I try and hold myself together.
I feel like I am breaking; like this isn’t my life.
I hold onto you and you break my heart with your silence.
But my wounds are self-inflicted.


It’s me that won’t let go.
I can’t get over you.
I just can’t do it.
My life would be empty without you.


I would have no reason to be a better person, no reason to smile, to laugh, to love.
So I hold onto the pain because it’s all I have left from you.


You carry my heart and I carry this pain.
This breath-taking, heart-breaking pain.

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I'm trying to finish a poem that I've been working on for days now. I just can't seem to finish it like I want to. I've got all the thoughts written out on paper. I just can't seem to fit them together right. Maybe it's because I'm too over-critical about myself. I have to have things just right. I'm sure it's just fine the way it is, but anyway, it's not done. So, I didn't want to leave you with nothing to read. I mean, I've had the same stuff up for a while now with nothing new, so I decided I would share a poem I wrote a while ago with you. 


Now, this poem is very personal. Not many people have read it, and not many people have known that I have even felt this way about myself. I wrote it when I was going through some really rough times with my family and in my own personal life. I was feeling very down on myself and depressed. I was feeling pretty much every awful emotion anyone could possibly feel all at the same time. Anyway, here it is.



I hate myself.
I hate myself for feeling this way.
For feeling worthless.
For feeling insecure.
For feeling like I don't matter.


I look in the mirror,
You see someone beautiful.
I see someone ugly.
You see someone amazing.
I see someone worthless.
You see so many good things
That I cannot see.


What's wrong with me?
Why can't I do this?
Why do I feel this way?
Why do I feel so unworthy?
Why do I feel so much hurt, 
so much pain?


I can't do this anymore, 
This cruel thing called life.
I just want to give up.
Give up on everything.
Give up on happiness.
Give up on love.
Give up on being okay.


I just want to be okay.
I just want someone to care.
I just want someone to know
Where I'm coming from,
What I'm going through.


But don't worry about me.
You eventually become numb to the pain, 
Until you can't feel anything.
I'll be fine,
Once I feel I'm worth something,
Once I feel I'm myself again.
The beautiful, wonderful, amazing person that you see,
When you look at me.

I was going through some things tonight and I came across a song I wrote to God a long time ago. I read it and I honestly can't believe, being the person that I am today, I would have even written it. I've gotten so far away from God, when I used to be so close. I remember going to church and being able to actually feel something. Today, that's completely different. I feel as if I've lost faith, and I'm not saying that I think God isn't real and that I don't believe in him, because I do. I just need a reason to have faith in him again. Like I used to. I've been through so much hurt and so much pain in my life, and I've always prayed and prayed and prayed and nothing ever got better. Now I'm praying to Him to give me a reason. I'm waiting for something to happen. I'm waiting to be happy.


Here's the song:



Help me to see the things I cannot see.
Help me to feel the things I cannot feel.
Help me to become the person you want me to be.
Give me the strength to get through this day,
and help me to know that with you I'll be okay.


Dear Lord, 
I give you my all.
I give you my everything.
Take this heart and make it new.
Heal the hurt and all the pain.
because I want to live for you
and only for you.


Give me the strength.
Give me the will.
Help me find myself because,
I need to be free from all this pain.
From all this hurt.
And I know you'll never leave me.
And I know you'll always love me.


Dear Lord, 
I give you my all.
I give you my everything.
Take this heart and make it new.
Heal the hurt and all the pain.
Because I want to live for you.
And only for you.


Take my heart and fill it with your love.
I want to feel you wrap your arms around my heart.
I just want to feel your presence again.
I'll worship you with all that I am.
With all that I have.
Please, God, just make my life whole again.


Dear Lord, 
I give you my all.
I give you my everything.
Take this heart and make it new.
Heal the hurt and all the pain.
Because I want to live for you, 
and I need to live for you,
and only for you.

-Lisa Marie<3

Couldn't sleep tonight so, I decided to write.

So, I was sitting up watching a really awesome episode of Grey's Anatomy, in which I cried my eyes out because of. It was sweet, really. Then the mood to write something just struck me. And for some stupid and very odd reason, I started thinking about someone from a long time ago, and I had no idea why, really. So, I sat down with my pen and my paper and just started writing and this is what I came up with.


You ruined me.
Left me in agony.
Holding onto what was left of my innocence, 
what was left of myself.


Abandoned, broken, and damaged
is how they find me.
Vulnerable.
Vulnerable to everything they say, 
and to everything they do.


They touch.
They touch my shattered innocence
and mangle it even more, 
with their false promises of love and affection.
Just. Like. You.


Loneliness is all I feel, 
with an unbearable emptiness inside, 
longing for something it can't have, 
for something it can't find.


Pain is what you've caused.
It's a vicious, never-ending cycle.
Bending and breaking.
Bending and breaking.
Bending and breaking.
Until, finally, I'm nothing.


There's not a living thing left in me.
You took it, and it wasn't even yours to have in the first place.


It didn't take me long to write it. Which it never takes me long to write anything once my I start pouring my feelings out on paper. Anyway, I'd love to hear what you have to think about it. But for now, I'm going to finally go to bed. :)


-Lisa Marie<3

The Beginning of Something...

Wonderful? Amazing? Boring? Ridiculous? - Honestly, I have no idea. 


I've decided I'm going to start this "blog," as it's called. I don't really like the word "blog." To me, this is more like a public journal, or diary, or whatever you want to call it. It's just something I want to do to get my feelings and thoughts and whatever else is going through this brain of mine out there, for the world to see and experience. I make it sound like it's going to be something wonderful and thrilling, right? Eh, probably not, but hey, who knows? I might surprise ya! :)


So, here we go. You are about to experience me and my random, silly, significant, insignificant, stupid, thoughtful, selfish, caring, emotion filled, and ridiculous thoughts that are crawling inside my head. (and whatever else I just so happen to want you to see.) Don't be scared. Trust me. You'll love it. 


- Lisa Marie<3